no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
