halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
