so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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