I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
