This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
