i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
