please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
