I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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