9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
