I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
