Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
