If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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