True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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