What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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