Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
