two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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