well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
