In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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