I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
