Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
