I want to walk on stilts...naked
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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