Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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