my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
