I wish I could teleport
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
