There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
