At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
