I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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