I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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