So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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