Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
