all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
