Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
