I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
