i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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