Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How's work?
Spinning.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
