I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
