I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
