I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
