so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
