On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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