A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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