Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
