I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
