We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
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I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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