I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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