I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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