so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
