We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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