There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
