how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
