I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
