oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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