Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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