I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
