god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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