so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
